Listen to your liver.
If anyone else tells you to stop drinking, tell them to shove it. But when it’s your liver talking, listen. Listen intently. Your liver knows best, and if it’s anything like mine then 3 consecutive open-bar nights are going to be a no-no.
Listening to your liver is the only trick to being an alcowhore for long.
Beer is never an excuse to drunk dial.
Drunk dialing (and drunk texting as well) is fun, but you shouldn’t drag beer into the whole mess. Crimes of various degrees of heinousness are already falsely attributed to alcoholic beverages, they don’t need your decisions brought about by bitterness further bringing them down.
If you can’t accept that the relationship’s over, deal with it. Have a beer, or better yet, have two (see Article 1). And if you do drunk dial, at least have the balls (and yes, this applies to women, too!) to admit that you’re doing it out of bitterness and not out of intoxication. Violate this article and be prepared to have a whole horde of angry alcowhores to deal with.
Vows and agreements made over beer are valid ‘til, well, forever.
What are we, barbarians? When two dudes agree to stop fighting over a girl while drinking beer, that should be the end of it. When two women agree to stop backstabbing each other, then there should be no more backstabbing. Alcohol deprives you of your inhibitions. Therefore anything said over an alcoholic beverage is what your purest self desires (ever hear of the expression “in vino veritas?”).
The only exceptions to this rule are decisions to stop drinking alcohol. Hey, we’re not called alcowhores for nothing, people.
Beer solves everything.
There’s something about that first sip of beer after a fight with a friend, a breakup, a presentation gone bad, or finding out that you just maxed out your credit card that makes all the bad stuff go away. I wanna do an ad campaign for beer with endorsers uttering the lines: “Beer is my happy drink. Make it yours, too.”
When someone asks you if you want to be grinded on, you ALWAYS say YES.
Let’s face it: how often does this happen? It’s like a solar eclipse, or when the date happens to be 9/9/09 (that’s coming soon, by the way); you have to be there.
The only clarification to this rule is that the person asking you should be at least as hot as you, if not hotter. Which just means that the hotter you are, the more likely you are to say NO, because less and less people will be as hot or hotter than you.
Beer (or whatever alcoholic beverage…) over jerjer.
The reasoning behind this rule is pretty simple. Jerjer you can’t always get, even if you have money. Beer is always there for you, sometimes even when you don’t have money. Can you imagine asking your friend to buy you jerjer? I didn’t think so. Therefore when asked to choose between beer and jerjer, your loyalty should be to beer, which has been and will always be there for you.
The only exception to this rule is jerjer that’s already about to happen (i.e. when you’re in the cab, in the room, or with your pants around your ankles already).
You always want another beer (or whatever alcoholic beverage you prefer to drink).
Hoes do not say “I’ve had enough.” When a hoe invites another hoe for “1 or 2 rounds,” that always means they will at least have 3 or 4 together. The general rule is at the end of the night, you should have had 2 more drinks than you said you would at the start of the night.
